


Dist gets vaccinated against Far Too Many Things and becomes Immortal

by ChurchOfGamzee



Category: Tales of the Abyss
Genre: (kinda), Gen, They're kids in this and will be largely referred to as such, Vaccinations, War Crimes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:55:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29948241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChurchOfGamzee/pseuds/ChurchOfGamzee
Summary: What begins as an elusive act of good will towards Saphir spirals into something completely unrelated To Peony and Jade's Highly secretive and torrid relationship.
Kudos: 1





	Dist gets vaccinated against Far Too Many Things and becomes Immortal

**Author's Note:**

> This Crackfic is completely unrelated to The Pandemic that is Happening at the Time of Writing this.  
> Additionally, the summary was inspired by [The Description of The Worlds Greatest Film](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-4bpGzXbUE) that was simply far too ahead of its time for us to appreciate.

"And you're done." Nebilim says.

The syringe is withdrawn from Jade's arm, and she applies a small bandage to Jade's arm across where there had previously been a prick. "You'll likely feel under the weather for a few days--"

"It's my body working to combat the disease, yes?" Jade finishes, matter of factly.

Nebilim smiles, such a smart boy. She puts a sticker on his shirt that says "I am a good boy".  
Naturally, Jade grimaces at it. He doesn't want to be a good boy. He wants to commit crimes. Fortunately, in years to come, this desire of his would be sated, but unfortunately it would leave him ridden with regrets and mental anguish that he oh-so-desperately needs anti-depressants and therapy to deal with, but JRPGs don't allow either of those things so he's just going to suffer silently.

He rolls his sleeve down, and goes to leave the office, only to find a certain annoyance waiting for him outside of the office. Someone is really too kind for the white haired boy known as Saphir.

"Wow, Jade, you're so cool!" Saphir comments, face lighting up with admiration. "I could never do that!"

He debates ignoring him, but the undertones of what he says catch his interest. Still, he's one of the few people capable of keeping up with him, so he can't say that he entirely minds and he hardly minds sparing a few words to be with him.

"You will be though," He corrects, "Nebilim wants us all vaccinated, so no one catches the flu."

Saphir actually frowns at the word vaccinated, face getting some complex emotions that Jade isn't supposed to be processing at any point in his life. He can't logic out feelings so he hates them and will drag them into hell With Him And Torture them in a Dunk Tank that Uses Magma. Keep an eye for it next to the Shake 'n Shack. Which is odd. Jade understands people are fearful of syringes. He could see Saphir being scared from that angle, to which he would tell him to get over it or close his eyes.

"Um...My parents don't want me to get vaccinated," Saphir sadly explains, trailing off, "They think injecting chemicals into me will make me gay...". A small addition that he mumbles out of his breath, but one that cements his parents as the worst characters in Abyss bar none. Too bad for them! Saphir was set on the path of being gay the minute he met Jade. Not that Jade or Saphir knew what a gay was yet, but someday they will, and they decide to try and make that kind of relationship work between them seeing as it fits them. After awhile things will go sour for both of them, they'll break up but forget to disable their settings, thus trapping them in a PVP enabled divorce.

"I think it should be about if you want them, not what your parents want," Jade points out bluntly, before taking his leave. At least the lack of hearing someone trailing behind him as he leaves tells him what he needs about Saphir's feelings on the matter.

* * *

"Jaaaade," Saphir whispers to the boy across from his table in the library. Tries to, at least as much as his voice allows him to. Clearly not enough, as Jade tells him to 'Shh', eyes hardly looking up from the book he was engrossed in. This usually happens, but Saphir knows what to do. Annoying Jade into talking always works, but he simply would not know it as annoying him into talking.

"Jade, I need your help..." He tries again, hoping for English out of him rather than his usual language of indifferent silence. He still isn't quiet enough for a library, so the third time, he might Be Taken out by the Hidden Library Clowns that Are under the shelf.   
"Get to the point," Jade finally responds, looking up from his book, hardly standing to look at his.

Saphir hands him a list. A Small one, with diseases scrawled on them in messy writing that Jade's able to make out. Seemingly random at first to him, Haptits and Chicken Pocks aren't things he would entirely consider related with as little time as he gets before Saphir speaks up again.

"Can you... make me vaccinations for them? My parents won't let me get them, and-" BANG! the Library Clowns emerge, crawling out, skittering across the floor like spiders, coated in a dark, amber like slime. Library goop, Jade notes. Saphir yelps as he is dragged away by them, outside into the cold Keterburg. The Hidden Library Clowns! If you need Hidden Library Clowns for your facility, Library or Otherwise, feel free to fax us at 1-800-345-1222. If you call us or Anything Else aside from Faxing us I Will punt you and send Hidden Library Clowns after you.

...It wouldn't be hard, his mind reasons once he properly skims the list. Vaccinations for these diseases aren't too hard to concoct, especially knowing that Keterburg was where many vaccines had been developed in the past. He endlessly thirsts for knowledge anyways, and while this might be hard for Adults, He is someone who KNOWS he must chase after knowledge. Worst case, this doesn't work. And that simply isn't his problem anymore.

So he spends the rest of the afternoon not buried within books about scientific theories while penning up his own, but rather, working under a microscope. Such a thing would take adults countless days to create one, but fortunately, he didn't need to worry about creating an ethics violation. It's Saphir, there's nothing to worry about.

Finally, it was done, and he contacts his little Lab Rat to meet him tomorrow in the alley way behind the Keterburg Gamestop. 

"Why are we in an alley way?" Saphir asks him when Jade, fidgeting nervously seeing him holding a bag Jade was shuffling through. But he's cautiously optimistic, if only for being called out by Jade to hang out.   
"Entirely because it Looks like We're committing Crimes." The statement does a good rustling of the Saphir, until it hits him right, this is just some classic Jade humor! Except it was't a joke. See, Jade had to blow up the Statue of Liberty in order to Obtain syringes. And TRUE USA citizens get really mad about their gaudy yet incredibly worthless shit being destroyed. Additionally, doing this means that Jade can no longer attend any USA colleges or colleges that are affiliated with the USA, which isn't a huge issue seeing as he's on Auldrant instead. I think he would rather attend a college in Baitcul instead.

Out of the bag, he pulls out a syringe and a bottle with dubiously colored liquid. Saphir can't tell the color of it, actually, but Jade has Bird Bronze, which he pays 4.99 Canadian Money a month for allowing him to see colors that birds can see. It's actually most closely colored to the color we Know as skergle, so there's Nothing to Fear. Don't Worry. Please stop worrying. Stop. STOP. STOP WORRYING ABOUT THIS CHILD. WHY ARE YOU _**WORRYING. STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP GET OUT.**_ Also Jade is just a crow (Corvus corone) trapped in a human flesh Gundam, of course he can see Bird Colors. Watch him Exhibit Tool use on Monday.

"Your arm might feel sore for a few days," Jade explains, as he injects the vaccine into Saphir's upper arm, who is wincing at the slight pain of being pricked. "But you should be alright. Even if you manage to get it, it will help prevent the nastier side effects."

"I'll work on making you a Hepatitis and Measles shot as well," He says, and Jade decides to take up Saphir's parents to challenge on being the worst Abyss Characters, by littering like an absolute jackass, tossing the syringe to the side of the building. But Saphir ignores this-- major character flaw right there :/.

"You're the best Jade! And, uh, if there's any other vaccinations I should be getting... I'll trust you to get them to me, alright?"

It was that little statement. That was the one that makes him take things too far.

Sure, he did create the aforementioned vaccines for Saphir to use, against diseases he knows he needs something to fight against. But this is Child Jade doing this. He was a little child, and things became more performing human experimentation on someone to push the limits, just for the kicks of it and because he wants knowledge. So he's your average person in the medical field.

He finds a monster and slaughters it. Looks at aaalll those little cell bodies they have. "Hey, I found a vaccine you need," Jade lies to him on Tuesday of each week. Saphir doesn't know better, so he gets injected with Who knows What. And Jade just records the effects Saphir has. Which is none, typically. Sometimes he gets feverish, other times he finds himself a bit worn out for a few days. He gets vaccines against diseases that have yet to be released to the Keterburg public. Yet he can't cure his nose that runs.

Then Nebilim found out about this fiasco because Jade is a Piece of Shit Child who Litters.

Nebilim sighs, meeting him after class. "Jade, you're committing a war crime doing this," she begins to lecture him with a serious voice. It's her serious voice, he's fucked up big time. "The Daathic convention of War applies for both external and internal affairs for a country, and explicitly outlaws living human experimentation without proper knowledge to the human in question."  
"You know no one follows the Daathic Convention of war," Jade points out. Which is true, unfortunately. "Daath doesn't do anything against those who violate it. Why does it even exist in the first place?" Unfortunately, also true. 0-2 Gelda, why don't you make it 0-3 at this rate.

"Jade, that's hardly the point..." She tries to explain, but Jade was going on an unhinged rant about how Buffalo Chicken Wings are the perfect encapsulation of Human Hubris-- Why do humans continue to eat something that causes them oh so much pain? At the time, Jade could care less that he had become an incredibly young war criminal, a realization now dawning on Nebilim. He would do anything for the sake of knowledge at that time, good or bad.

She did manage to get Nephry to stow away his lab materials behind his back, and thus, the life of being someone who creates fucked and horrible vaccines was behind him for now.

* * *

Years had passed from that time. A time that Jade now cannot remember with anything but grimace. 

"Dist. It's time for the Electric Chair," Jade says as he enters the Chokma Execution Room. Dist looks at him with a deadpan expression from the Chair, and still smiling in the end. So this would be it for him-- his crimes were much too severe to be forgiven by. "Any last words?"

He just smiles, and the chair is turned on for a few moments. Dist screams in agony. The chair is turned off.

"Oh that tickled, Jade."

How...? He, he was just electrocuted to what should be death, yes?

"Surprised, aren't you?" Dist asks him. His face crumples like a can in a can compactor. "It's all YOUR doing you know! You made me immune to death, Necromancer!" Dist spits rather than laughs. This shit stopped being funny a long time ago for Dist, so the only one who could possibly be laughing here is Jade. And He isn't laughing. It makes too much sense-- of course it would be his fault, injecting him with god knows what day in and day out when they were children. "Do you know what you DID To me?! Thanks to you, horribly experimenting on me as a child, I'm now Immune to Time and Death and Other things I Hardly know about! I Can hardly be called human anymore-- I'm a pathetic lobster man!" Though he's tied down to the chair, he breaks the belts, and sobs into his newfound lobster claws.  
  
Jade quickly contacts the Hidden Library Clowns to attack Dist in a lapse of judgement, but their attacks bounce off. Clown residue. Clown residue goes everywhere. Of all the things-- Why is he immune to clowns?! Well, actually, no, it makes sense, Jade quickly understands, maybe he just became a clown down the line. This Sad Immortal Lobster Clown called Dist must hold another weakness then. He throws a cucumber at him. It shatters into pieces, akin to glass, then the shards disintegrate for coming into contact with him. He can't stop sobbing horrendously. Jade accepts the reality: If a Cucumber doesn't do anything, then nothing can. 

He decides to quietly untie Dist from the Chair, entirely unsure what to do with this new revelation. 

Finally, a single solution hits him as he goes to inform Peony of this. Maybe he would want to use Dist as a mecha anti-doomsday machine, but that's not for today.

"This meeting was eye opening for me, Dist," Jade says... warmly?

"R,really now Jade? Then tell me, how has the marvelous Dist the Rose opened your eyes, hm?" He can't see his face, ah, now he can, and there's a soft smile on his face he can make out.

"I Must go back in time to abort myself."

**WON'T BE CONTINUE!!!!!!!**


End file.
